Ocean

My body is embraced by darkness, and yet my mind is never still. It seems that a lack of light makes it easier to forget. 

And my God comes slowly as silence, His footprints pressing into the walls of my mind, while another holds me close and asks why I do not speak. If I learnt one thing, it is this: the illusory nature of my longing. 

They speak too much of wars, they speak constantly of what they feel and how, of injustice and fathers, of why they love and how much and when. I close my eyes and shut it out like the snail that retracts back into its shell. I do not want to hear of the world, of us, of them. 

As they go on and on like a broken machine, immutable, I look at His face stopped like time behind my eyes, and my tears become golden with yearning, and my lips red upon whispering His name. He watches, each time I fall and become the sad opinions whispered behind closed doors, He pulls me back placing my forehead into His chest, warm and fatherlike, God silences me. 

I am a contradiction of God and degradation, I am a contradiction, I am black and white unmixed, I am what is right and what is wrong and what never is. 

I know not what is to become of me, or even what I am. But one thing I know - the soft scent of flowers after rain, the slight tremble of my tongue as I cry out His name, the song that flows like a river in my blood, and inside myself, the stillness of God. 

“I throw myself into the ocean wanting to drown, I choke, and splutter being profusely dunked in the salty ocean water. But the intense yearning to see the moon-like face of my beloved Lord, makes me quickly swim to the sandy beach. And when I search for Him, He is not there anymore.”