help

I am tired of dragging my life around 

like a sack full of stones, a sack

of dead bodies - all mine.

every morning I polish my heart up and clothe it to give the impression of

something

demanding love or respect.

words don’t save me, 

they do no good 

turning my story in this horrible cliche lived by so many others.

words:

keeping me awake - 

a constant din beating and beating in my head,

squirming like worms on rained earth,

dragging their sharp claws on my mind until blood comes out

my blood, young and fresh with a strange taste of metal 

my head will explode 

deathless creatures will crawl out of it, broken mirrors 

untold stories, a rusty love now green and mouldy - once red and soft like blood cells.

spring outside: a hopeful thought

nearly bringing rebirths, cells dying new growing

a beautiful transformation - I believed in it.

I believed I made up a story to keep me occupied,

I made up you to love so I have someone,

I turned my life into a maudlin Greek tragedy, 

a Shakespearean tale 

to get me through winter.

I believed there was a way out.

but I constructed us - a child’s lego game with no instructions 

with broken pieces, missing pieces 

a fault becoming real.

the words and the dead drawings of you and me

converged spirits, 

at night they rose like ghosts 

gathering my strength, feeding on my breath 

until one day, they were real - the stories I made up 

happened - a creation flaw that only destroyed and destroyed 

I am utterly exhausted, the walls I built around

to keep me from falling are crumbled at my feet 

bricks of hope, of kindness now turned to dust. 

You cut me up into pieces: well-measured, neatly cut and prepared

like raw meat

And like a fool I gave you everything.

there is nothing left

but a bleeding bundle of veins and toes 

without eyes.

I dissolve like a pill 

unable to pick myself up again 

completely and utterly exhausted.